Weak

To be honest I don’t really feel like typing this entry,
but I will anyway

If I come across as detached, it is because I am in a way trying to be detached from my own feelings.

Over a year ago I started to feel quite dissociative
and it is something that was quite new in my life
something that I’m still adjusting to

I think that it possibly have always been there in some way,
but it certainly wasn’t like this

The way it feels.. it feels like some thoughts and feelings split
and over time it grew and while it is all me, I find it easier to associate it with different selves

They aren’t different selves though.
All it is, is a coping mechanism.

I am weak.

And in that weakness, when things become truly hopeless
I simply can’t accept it, so what do I do?
I run

I run and I run
I pretend that it isn’t really happening

That is a habit that I formed over time, just like the habit of constantly distracting myself

a coping mechanism that became destructive

coupling this with all the gaslighting from erin, how she constantly
constantly made me question my own thoughts and memories

being dissociative is but an extension of all of this

it is a way for “me” to detach from feelings

there is far too much that I never had the time to face
too many traumas
too much death
too much abuse
betrayal

I don’t know myself anymore
but I think in a way it is what is keeping me alive

it can be easier to talk about things as if I was talking about someone else

it is easier if I pretend that I am someone else, or no one at all

that’s how it feels

I attach different bonds and traumas to different “selves”
from nicky to emily, to shaena
or no one at all

So what is the point of this stupid rambling?

It’s a way to express myself while avoiding what I actually came to write about haha.

You see, I really am weak

-

Yesterday, someone I have never heard of added me on steam.
I accepted their request, and they started asking me how I knew “mute”, a friend of mine

Mute is a friend that I’ve known for a few years.
They are someone that I unfortunately cannot trust due to some things they did
but despite everything, they are my friend and I care for them
I do
I really do.
but again I am weak.

I thought that this person who added me might be trying to start shit
in other words gossip

but I was wrong, and they revealed something that I still can’t believe

Partly because I have reasons to not believe, but also because I do not want to believe it.

My friend killed themselves 3 days ago.

Here, I am typing about it in such a shitty way
but to be honest I don’t know what to do, but I guess there is nothing to do

part of me believes that this person is lying and maybe it is mute themselves
they did try pulling something like that in the past

but the thing is that I tried confirming their identity by adding them on discord and starting a voice call

I am weak

I ended up spending a lot of time trying to prove to myself that it isn’t true
that this person probably is mute or something!

I really am a weak piece of shit

I know that people say to not blame myself
but at the end of the day, I am weak

mute actually tried contacting me over a week ago

there wasn’t a particular message, but it should’ve been obvious that they wanted to talk

I didn’t reply.

I don’t know if it really happened and honestly I don’t want to believe it
I’m not sure if I should even post this to be honest

I just want mute to tell me that it isn’t true
that’s all I want

for a long time we had been barely talking for multiple reasons
things happened between us, and I had been isolating from everyone
but mute is my friend
in my weakness, I felt hurt and distanced myself
but my friend was there
my friend was there!
We could’ve talked and have fun again!

I hate myself