What can I say?
Honestly, it is difficult to know what I should start with.
There’s so many experiences that have happened,
so many things that I need to express
but the hard part is how much my mental state and view on things has been changing
it has been a constant change

but one thing I can say, is that I regret not recording my thoughts
I might have logs and videos
but my thoughts and inner-feelings are lost to the void

I wish I could be in contact with these thoughts again
I don’t want it to be a mere memory
I want to preserve it
I want to reconnect with my selves

Honestly this might sound self-centered or something, I don’t know
but I don’t want these horrible experiences I’ve been through
to have happened for no reason

I want to express these feelings
I want to record the events properly

It might be late, but at least I’m starting

I just hope I won’t falter and end up giving up again
it is so easy for me to avoid sitting down and writing
I constantly want to spend time with people, or doing things to distract myself
from these very thoughts and feelings.

My name is Emily
Is my name really Emily?
Or am I Nicky, or Shaena?

I don’t really know
the answer is complex, but at the same time
I feel like my sense of self has been crushed
and it has been crushed by some of the closest people in my life

lost love, lost connections, lost family, lost meaning
lost life

I feel like I am but a sad existence
hoping for a better future, or a better life
wishing for a way to go back and redo it all
being able to live the life I never got to live

but I feel like at this rate, I will die without having ever lived

I don’t want that

I don’t want this sort of life

I do not want to die
but I am dying
I am slowly dying
I am dying physically, mentally and emotionally

The times I’ve been outside aren’t numerous
I have spent almost all my time in this world stuck at home
a large part of it due to family abuse
but then came mental issues caused by someone whom I thought was the love of my life
someone who.. had a very similar life to me
but came out of it very differently than I did

you would think that going through the same things would make it easier to understand
Yes it does
but it doesn’t mean that the person will care to understand

it doesn’t mean that this person has any values

She tried to kill me
She literally said that her aim was to break my mind
well she succeeded

thank you my love <3

god this sarcasm grosses me out

at the end of the day I am pathetic

I want to be something more
but is it worth trying in such a world?
I don’t know

all I know is that as far as I know it is the only life I will get

I don’t want that

I really, truly do not want that

I want to get out and be freed from the shackles of this world

this world ruled by death

it’s fucked up how it seems like every core aspect of people’s lives revolves around death in a way

leaving something behind..

from having children
creating art
becoming famous

we work our entire lives to justify our “life” in the face of death

everything is death

we consume and consume
and we get consumed

I dread this feeling so much
often I might be hanging out with a friend, and I suddenly feel dread
I see the world disappearing
the sun going cold and dying
our planet being wiped off or frozen for eternity

everything that everyone worked so hard for
to be remembered

it all disappears

I don’t want that

I want to live

I want to get out of this world

Please. Free me. Free us.

I don’t want to die

-------

You know, I started recording my days.
Trying to preserve these moments

It all started from all the gaslighting, having no other option but recording to not only defend myself
but keep me sane

people are fucked
people can really come up with the worst possible lies to justify their actions
lies, that they can end up convincing themselves into believing

but for some it isn’t enough
for some, it is necessary to try to alter their target’s mind

it’s fucked up

either way that was a good reason why I started recording it
from witch hunt to gaslighting
not knowing what was real anymore, as my abuser kept making me question my sanity

I now have another reason
I record to prove to myself that these moments really did happen
the good, and the bad
and proving to me that these connections, these people, these feelings
these meanings

they were real
they existed
it really was real

but unfortunately I never recorded my thoughts
I won’t repeat that mistake

I doubt I will have the mental fortitude to do it often
but to write down my thoughts like this, even just sometimes
is definitely better than never doing it

existence vs non-existence

I also have this naive dream
I say naive but, I really hope it happens
it is more than hope though
it is desperation

part of me hopes that somewhere, long in the future

someone will find my recordings
someone will find my writing
and it will somehow be preserved

I want to be remembered

I also wish I could be brought back alive

you might think that it is pathetic but.. is it really?
We have one life

We have one life but we do not choose how or where we are born
but having this one life is so cruel
especially when it feels like you never got to even live

I want to live
I hope someone can find this in the future
and bring me back

even if it means being there as a living archive

but I don’t want to be alone

just give me access to all the data in the world
give me access to this antiquated internet hehe

let me live in the past, forever and ever

I don’t want to die

I want to remember everyone
I want to keep them alive in some way

please save me