April 10th 12:12 am
I hate this.
To be honest I don’t know how to feel or what to think.
Today I was hanging out with jade. Jade had recently moved from minnessota where they lived with 2 roommates in the living room, to florida to move with their family. The idea was to save up and they needed to move out and a chance to get some privacy but looks like they might not be able to save up after all.
The idea was to get a camper and that would be their room, but it took about 2 weeks, in other words until today, for the camper to have been picked, paid, installed and ready.
Currently they cannot use much electricity as connected a cable from the house to it, but their desktop works and simple things but not the fridge or ac without blowing a fuse. Tuesday the electrician should come.
Either way we hanged out and had fun. I got high and they got tipsy and we watched symphogear ep 3 and 4 and jerma videos. Videos such as “the rant-man and the wasp”, but then we near the end stopped it when he started reacting to his own video of rats the movie. So I asked jade if they watched it to this they replied no and I then proposed to watch it and we ended up watching both rats 1 and 2 and had fun.
It was nice to hang out. I also was treated to a burger from the burger’s priest with fries.
This kind of food is something that sounds nice but it doesn’t feel good physically to eat and you get sick of it after. I don’t know, I don’t like eating junk food, but it was a nice gesture from jade and to be honest when I get high I end up eating more junk food for some reason.
Jade had a small pizza from their mother and it looked cute.
This is all over the place because I’m high and to be honest I’m kind of avoiding the point, and I want to document more.
I want to talk about the situation has been like between me and sobe. Between jade and I. But I will do it in another entry.
Otherwise I woke up this morning in a call with sobe. The night prior to it we were hanging out and were going to play valheim for the first time but we didn’t do it in the end.
We proceeded to share old pictures and videos from our pre-transition days. Talking about stories of our pasts. Pictures both of our selves or online things. I had a lot of fun but then when we ended up laying down sobe was in a lot of pain and couldn’t talk anymore. I was really worried for her. Then maybe 20minutes passed before we talked again and I was really worried for her. I tried offering giving her food on monday once my money istuation is solved but she doesn’t want to accept it and that’s okay.
But I worry that she doesn’t accept it because of how she views herself, and she probably thinks she won’t live long. I don’t know but it got to me and I ended up crying a lot.
I wish I could help her more. She is very strong, but we’re in this together.
I love you sobe and I’m sorry.
In retrospect I feel weak. I ended up talking about my relationship situation between jade and I and told her that I might be polyamorous and idk.
She said that she was thinking about a lot of things. I hope I didn’t creep her out to be honest.
I just want to live as a family and I care about her.
We ended up trying to go to bed. I feel like I might’ve overwhelmed her to be honest.
It felt abrupt compared to usual. And I believe she might not have wanted to hold my hand but I’m not sure if she didn’t hear. That was the first time she didn’t want and it kind of stood out.
It’s not about the fact that she wanted or not, but it was after I talked about things.
Which makes me think that I probably creeped her out or something, or she might have complicated feelings.
Either way I will give her all the space she needs or wants.
We ended up laying down and it was quiet. Then at some point I started humming a song that she sung for me. A beautiful lullaby that I didn’t know until she sung it to me a few nights ago, putting me to sleep.
“you are my sunshine.. my only sunshine. You make me happy, when skies are gray. You’ll never know dear, how much I love you. Please don’t take, my sunshine away...”
It felt like she appreciated it even though I was only humming it. And she started to sing a song that I was unfamiliar with. A song that she later told me was quite different than how the original songs like, except for the lyrics.
“These wars of words are pointless
Nothing gets accomplished, no
To see you bent and broken
You'd think I'd like it
But I don't
It disgusts me
That I can be
So petty and so weak
Yeah, you're sorry
Everyone's always so sorry
Yeah
And I thought I heard you say
"To lose is not okay
Win is the only way"
Guess what I did with my day
Well, I failed
Despite my reservations
I think it's time that we met, we met
And all these complications
Yeah they make me something I'm not
Yeah you're sorry
Everyone is always so sorry
Yeah
And I thought saw you stray
But I love you anyway
And I'd like us to be forever
That's what I tried to say
But it got stuck in my throat
And words are missing
Words are missing
Words are missing
Words are missing”
I ended up copy pasting it from an online lyrics website and deleted some parts. It’s how she sang it and it was beautiful. And it kind of sounded like an answer to me in some way.
It was nice.. I genuinely love her voice and she is a very kind person. I hope I can help her reach happiness like she is to me. The world hasn’t been kind to her at all, when she is such a gentle soul...
We ended up falling asleep. Woke up together. Both had weird dreams.
I’m skipping a bit about the talks we had, such as trying to encourage her to talk to jen from her label and such.
But after waking up, talking. I was eating a bagel and she wanted to hear me eat and I was embarrassed about it but we had a good time. We browsed doordash and her uk equivalent and then went to take a break. I went to talk to jade for about an hour. Ended up crying, telling them about how I’m scared for her. I’m scared that fey will not live for much longer due to her liver.
After that, I ended the call and rejoined sobe and we ended up playing valheim again and... it was really nice.
We were on the island that we crossed a year prior via a raft. My bed was in a tiny hastily made shack with a low ceiling, next to a crumbling tower that we inserted a firepit under the stairs and a bed at the top where sobe had her bed/spawnpoint.
We worked on building the place, putting torches, getting resources, fighting off mobs that were constantly attacking us.
I ended up making the house bigger and she put fences around the place. She explored the place some more and found a cave and invited me to go check it out. After finishing some stuff at the base we ended up going there, I was a bit late but not that much. I believe it was called a crypt of something. A randomly generated tiny dungeon with very tight corridors along with small rooms and doors. A small dungeon with skeletons.
But sobe told me that the previous year we were looking for a specific item that spawns in this place and we ended up finding it!
I was mostly holding the torch to illuminate the place and sometimes attacking and realizing it wasn’t very useful, while sobe was protecting me and beating all the skeletons. We ended up finding about 7 of that item, it was a good find.
Happy with this we decided to go back to the base and probably stopping to play after that to take a break.
We took the raft back.. to go back to the island where it all started for us in valheim and it was very nostalgic. We were in the middle of a rainy tempest and there were big waves. We hit the shore and ran towards where our original and first base was.
Until we reached a beautiful meadow, with a nice weather and nice music.
And we were feeling happy.
We found our house again... and it was nice. We were amazed at finding this all again. We found 2 cute signs where one at the top said “SoBe is cute” and the one below said “but shaena is cuter” I can’t remember if it was shaena or nicky but the 2nd one was written by sobe a year prior. We were both praising each other that previous year and it was cute to see. I ended up crying to be honest... I really missed her and expressed it. We had fun.
I ended up leaving to go lay down and she went to eat and take a shower.
I ended up taking a weird detour to earlier in the day but that’s when I started to hang out with jade for the rest of the night.
----
sorry suddenly had to stop writing because I think sobe suddenly started having a panic attack after pomi was acting weird.
I hope I didn’t make it worse, I’m high and really anxious and typed a lot.
Anyway... I’ll stop delaying it. I’m gonna talk about the important thing...
I was hanging out with jade and jade was trying to be intimate and making comments but for some reason I felt...
To put it bluntly and I feel bad for saying so. I felt slightly grossed out. I don’t know.
I love jade but... I don’t know about some stuff sometime.
I felt uncomfortable. The way jade can look at me and stuff... doesn’t feel like the way sobe does. It’s very sexual and I don’t like that.
Sobe is pure and I want something pure. I don’t know.
Sometimes I wonder if I act like jade, I hope I don’t.
I wonder if it’s just that maybe I’m not attracted to jade in that way. I do find jade cute and everything really often but I am not secually attracted. I don’t... feel like kissing using our mouths and tongues or anything like that but rather cute hugs and stuff. I don’t know.
Sometimes when I’m self destructive I will let jade do things to me but it’s not what I really want and I feel disgusted at myself.......